


Blood Letters

by Jungle321jungle



Series: jungle321jungle's (Sanders Sides) Oneshots [10]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Character Death, Love Letters, M/M, Murder, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Sort Of, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:53:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25428712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jungle321jungle/pseuds/Jungle321jungle
Summary: Writing letters which are not meant to be sent can be therapeutic, at least that is what people claim. Logan thinks it is to an extent, but he finds the subject matter of the letters to be of far more consequence.Or, Logan dreams about murder.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders
Series: jungle321jungle's (Sanders Sides) Oneshots [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892947
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	Blood Letters

** Blood Letters **

Dear Janus,

I am writing this letter which is addressed to you in order to sort out my own thoughts. Patton recommended this method to me in order to “get out my feelings in a positive way”. He claims that writing a letter addressed to myself or no one at all with all my thoughts is nearly on par with saying them aloud. Roman agreed and then recommended burning the letters upon completion to get rid of any trace of my problems. However, Patton suggests I keep them. I am still not sure which I will do (I had also asked Remus who only suggested I set myself ablaze), so I will decide upon finishing. Oh, and before I go further, I do apologize for how disjointed this letter will be. I am told that the less structured and closer to a stream of consciousness I am, the better. This has yet to be proven. 

Now, I have chosen to address this letter to your Janus rather than myself, given part of my issues seem to stem from you. I assure you, that I am not blaming you in _any_ regard. I am entirely to blame for my own compulsions, and I accept that. But I hope that by addressing the concerns between us that lie solely in my mind I can expel them entirely. Quite frankly I do not expect much from this, intrusive thoughts are not such a simple concept after all- but I have not told my friends the ongoings of my mind. I do not wish to concern them, nor do I wish to seek professional help for multiple reasons. For one I do not have the time nor money, I spend much of time working to pay for my grandmother’s nursing home bills, also I-

It occurs to me that I have been prattling on about my reasons for writing the letter as opposed to writing how I feel about you, so I shall commence doing so. 

Given this letter is not intended to be read I have no need to sugar coat my words. 

I am in love with you Janus, and more than that- I want to see you die. 

I am not partial to the method of your death. I have had dreams where you suffocate, drown, bleed out, and more- all of which were as spectacular as the last. In the first dream you and I had been walking down the street with our friends. The group hadn’t been talking about anything of true value to my knowledge, but I do recall the way it ended. You and I had fallen to the back of the group, walking in silence. And I did not see why it was that you lingered when we crossed the street- but I did turn to see you take flight once the car struck you. For a moment I was filled with nothing but fear. My heart was racing, and despite being a dream I was struggling to breathe. Upon waking I assumed my reaction was because I saw someone die. But after the second dream where I watched you bleed out and suffocate after your throat was slit, I understood that my heart racing wasn’t due to fear, it was something closer to _intrigue_. And from there my feelings have only grown more intense. 

Whenever I see you Janus- or dream of you- I fall for you even more. 

I am not sure what else I can say in this letter, so I suppose I shall end it here. I am still unsure what I will do with this short letter, but I suppose it is not that important. 

Yours,

Logan

~~~~

#2

Dear Janus, 

I hadn’t intended to write you a letter again. 

After I wrote (and kept) the first, I found the dreams and urges decreased greatly. And I was happy to feel a “normal” love for you, but now weeks later I found they have returned in full force and I am not entirely sure why they have. Perhaps it was on account of me spending more time with you. I greatly enjoyed our trip to the mall. I am not one to believe in fate, but I think it is a wonderful coincidence that we both happened to run into each other. And I think it speaks yards that you suggested we shop together. As we did, I found myself staring at your face so often when you weren’t looking. I think I stared so much that if I held any artistic talent I think I could sketch every ridge of your face and its scars with accuracy, and still not hold a candle to your general beauty. 

I wish I had artistic talent, if I did I’d render the versions of you I see only in my mind. 

Your eyes wide and terrified. Maybe with burst blood vessels. I can’t help but wonder what you’d look like with your scars open. So many times I have wanted to ask you how you got them- I want you to explain to me every detail. Well enough that I can picture it myself and savor every moment. But I know if I ask I would push you away. And that’s the one thing I can’t do. I won’t jeopardize my chance at seeing you. Because at this point I’m not sure how well I’ll fair without you. 

Yours, 

Logan 

~~~~

#3

Dear Janus,

The dreams are back. 

This time you fell from a building. Your limbs bent at strange angles with a vacant yet shocked looked in your eyes. It was _beautiful_ Janus. More so than your face alive. 

I can’t explain the beauty I see that no one else ever can. But I wish I could. 

Yours,

Logan. 

~~~~

#4

Janus,

It’s the middle of the night. 3:41 am according to the clock on my nightstand. 

You were dead again. That’s nothing new. What was new however, is that this time I was the one who killed you. 

I’m not even sure how- or why. 

I’m still tired yet running on adrenaline, I can’t make sense of my own thoughts. All I know is that I saw you lying in a pool of your own blood, and _I_ was holding the knife. 

I need to get some air. 

Logan

~~~~

#5

Janus,

It’s only been a week. And I killed you again. 

I used a baseball bat. I watched your body lurch with each strike. 

I continued even after I knew you were dead, because each time I hit you it seemed the blood sprayed about you like a frame of red. With your beauty pictured in its center. 

I wonder what it will be next time. 

Logan

~~~~

#6

Janus,

I’ve never told you that I’ve been to prison, have I? 

It was years ago, not long after I came out, my father had kicked me out and my grandmother took me in. She had been waiting for me outside of my job, and when I exited the building I saw two men look at me before they ran off. They stole her purse. She was injured and she told me not to go after them, so I didn’t at the time. But I tracked them down. I only did eighteen months for two counts of assault. I probably would have done more had I not caught them they were attacking some other old woman. It was only eighteen months, plus time in jail awaiting sentencing, but it’s not something I wish to repeat. I don't want to lose my freedom.

Just as I don’t want to lose you. 

So why do I dream of your death- of your murder? 

Why is it that killing you is both what I want and what I fear most? 

Logan 

~~~~

#7

Janus,

You gave me a hug today when the group all said goodbye. 

And when walking back to my car, Virgil teased me for liking you. I wasn’t aware that anyone knew that I cared for you. He told me to ask you out, but I’m not sure I deserve that much. But when I told him so he didn’t understand. I made no effort to explain because I can’t expect him to. 

I can’t expect anyone to understand the fact that when you hugged me, I had to ensure my hands went around your torso and not your neck. 

Logan

~~~~

#8

Janus,

In my dreams your blood has texture. 

It is thicker than water, but I can’t quite identify what it’s viscosity reminds me of. But there are also small bits to it. Bits is the wrong phrasing. I am not sure what the proper word is, perhaps chunks? No that seems wrong as well. Whatever the word, I believe it is a result of your tissue mixing with the blood. This is only conjecture though, the dreams never last long enough for me to figure it out. 

One thing I do I know however, is how white your bones look in contrast with the blood. They appear like porcelain- no like beautiful white pearls. They’re luxurious, and priceless. 

Logan

~~~~

#9

Janus,

I should leave. 

I should go elsewhere. Somewhere far away where you are not within my reach. 

But I shouldn’t leave my grandmother. I go visit her every other week. She looks forward to those visits.

Do I have to pick between the two I love?

How does a person do that? No. That’s not the right question. The right question is why am I leaning towards you?

Logan

~~~~

#10

Janus,

I don’t know how far I should go. Where is far enough that I don’t see you when I close my eyes? Because no matter what you’d always be a distance away. And if I travel somewhere there is always the risk that I will take the journey back here. 

Where is far enough? 

Right now I can only think of one place where I cannot hurt you, but while I know I could take your life, I am too much of a coward to take my own. 

Logan

~~~~

#11

Janus,

You seemed annoyed when I cancelled our plans leaving you to see the movie with Remus alone. But I don’t know if I could sit for two hours beside you, without wanting the light in your eyes to dim. I couldn’t go. Not when I’ve already found a new job and a new place to stay. 

I’m going to leave for your safety. So I can’t jeopardize it now. 

I hope you enjoyed the film. 

Logan. 

~~~~

#12

Janus,

I leave today. I have not told anyone where I am going. And I’m sure my sudden disappearance will come as a shock to our friends, but that is the least of all evils. 

It took months, and it took me till today- the day I am leaving- but I have finally decided what to do with all these letters. I can only hope it is the right choice. 

I am sorry Janus. 

I am sure those are words you do not wish to hear- or read. But they are true. I am sorry, who I am and whom I’ve become. And at this point it might sound strange, but even so I wish you happiness and life. I wish you life. 

Perhaps more than I wish for you death. 

Logan. 

~~~~

“You have a package.”

“Who from?”

“I dunno.”

He gave a frown as he took the package. It was a small box, a bit smaller than a shoe box and in neat handwriting on top was his name and address but the name on the return address had been rendered unreadable. Maybe something had spilled and scratched it in transport. He stood from his seat, and moved to the kitchen setting the box on the table before retrieving a knife to open the box. When he had, he found envelopes inside- each one bearing his name and a number on the front. 

“Did someone send you a box of letters?”

“I’m as confused as you are, Virgil.” He dumped them out, his eyes scanning until he found the envelope marked number one. The letter inside thankfully didn’t seem long, but it held the same neat scrawl. “ _Dear Janus, I am writing this letter which is addressed to you in order to sort out my own thoughts..._ ” he trailed off his eyes scanning the lines in confusion- before he froze. He read it once. Twice. Three times, before Virgil had snatched it from his hands. 

Janus could hear his heartbeat drumming in his ears, and he felt bile rise in his throat- but even so he reached for number two. 

  
  


“It’s sick,” Virgil said finally, throwing the last one down the table. 

Janus didn’t reply as he reached for the closest one- number seven- but Virgil put a hand on it stopping him. 

“Don't. Reading them once was bad enough.”

Janus moved his hand away as his eyes drifted to the ceiling above him- but on the whiteness of it he could only see the words he had read. He closed his eyes, squeezing them tight. But now he could almost hear Logan’s voice. 

_“I used a baseball bat... Your blood has texture... A frame of red.”_

“I know we joked that Logan left without a word because he got into trouble but...” Janus trailed off as he took a deep shuddering breath, and when he spoke again his voice was barely above a whisper. “He’s going to come back, isn’t he?”

Virgil didn’t reply, but Janus could hear as he moved about the room before he finally spoke. “...I’m calling the police.”

“And tell them what?” He demanded, looking back to Virgil. “Tell then that someone I thought was my friend actually dreams of _killing me_ ? To tell them that he’s now vanished into thin air? He could be _anywhere_ Vee. Anywhere!”

Virgil didn’t reply but he turned so Janus couldn’t see his face. “I’m calling.” He didn’t bother to say anything more, he only took a step out of the room as he dialed, leaving Janus alone. 

Alone with the letters. 

Alone with his thoughts. 

Alone with his fears. 

And alone with the hope that Logan would never come back. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope ya liked this thing


End file.
